Someone You Hate
by Nikapi
Summary: Follow up to 'No, Sir' - sort of. A look at the quote 'You'd rather be with someone you hate...' and then..another look.


Title: Someone You Hate  
Summary: Sort of a follow up on 'No, Sir' - another blurb that gave birth to itself out of a quote that particularly caught my attention. Also something I needed to get out, after the insanity that was "Gone" Feedback is coveted above all else, even Phish Food.  
Disclaimer: Joss'. Wish I had 'em. Don't have 'em.  
Note: I used a sort of rambling style of writing in this, which I'm not entirely used to, but it's occurred to me that a person's thoughts aren't quite as organized as I've written them in my other stuff. So I wing it. Again, feedback would be great, especially on the readability.  
Distribution: I'll be flattered if anyone wants it, as long as they ask first.  
  
_  
"You'd rather be with someone you hate, than be with me."  
_  
There it is, on the table. No backing down now, Willow, it's not like he didn't know. He did, he knew, and he went and, I mean, Cordelia, with the lips and the hands and the sight I really didn't want to see. And there's that look, big brown eyes, sad and I just want to hug him for a second but I cant, wont, and he can just go hug Cordelia - God, Cordelia, I hate her so much maybe _I_ should date her - cant he?  
  
I shouldn't care. I don't. I definitely do not care one bit what he does with that empty headed, short skirted, hey-you-get-off-my-cloud...I care, I do, that's ok. I mean, why shouldn't I care about what he does, my best friend since I was four, stealer of my Barbies, defender of my old She-Ra lunch box, wonderful, excellent, apathetic, blind, feelingless, absolutely out of his mind, never thinks about anyone but himself jerk that he is.  
  
Not like I don't have better things to do than sit and mope about him anyway. I do, lots of things. Geometry test in three days, and I'll pass it anyway, but I want to study. And Oz! Oz, who is not crazy and sweet and thinks about kissing me not You're-Breathing-MY-Air Cordelia.  
  
Well, he can just kiss anyone he wants, I don't care. Even though I do. He'd rather be with someone he can never really love. Fine. But I don't have to like it.  
  
_"You'd rather be with someone you hate, than be with me."  
  
_They must think I am REALLY stupid. Well, I know they think I'm really stupid, but they must thing I'm in a coma, and blind, and lacking the ability to understand English, too.  
  
I don't get her sometimes. I mean, what was the one thing she learned in high school about love? NO MORE VAMPIRES. None. No pulse, no chance. Right? Right. So why is she cuddling up to him, in the kitchen, in the middle of the morning, with Dawn barely out of hearing range, where anyone can see, practically begging him with her eyes and that way that she's standing - God, does that even count as a shirt? - to do something definitely not appropriate for a minor's eyes? Or hell, my eyes, and I'm sleeping with _Anya_.  
  
She's been doing this, whatever this is, for a while. I can tell, but I'm not sure anyone else can, Willow's got her own stuff to deal with, and Tara and Giles are both gone, and Dawn's too innocent to pick up the bedroom eyes. I see them, though. Constantly. I don't think she even knows she's looking at him like that all the time, but every time he walks in the room, or past her, or in the same state, now, she's off with that really gross lusty-I-cant-believe-I'm-looking-at-Spike sort of look that I cant stand and I just. don't. get.  
  
I really shouldn't even care. I mean, we aren't as close as we used to be, and Anya did some pretty nasty things back when, too, but it's Spike. Spike who she's hated for years. Spike who's tried to kill us. Repeatedly. With sharp objects and pain and death and it's ridiculous that she's _cuddling _with him. It's not like I'm still carrying that torch, that baby incinerated itself a long time ago, but what is it with the bad boys who cant ever give her anything she needs and feed on the blood and ruin her life, where there are guys who aren't complete jerks out there? I'm happy with Anya, I love her more than anything in the world, I don't want to be with Buffy. Not anymore, and it's good, since she obviously doesn't want a guy like me.   
  
But I want her to have what I do, normality and safety and loving someone who isn't hurting you, and she wont. She either wont have it, or she cant, and either way, it's the saddest thing I've ever seen, and I cant do a thing about it. She wants to be with someone that cant ever make her completely happy. I can't change it. But I don't have to like it. 


End file.
